Jackie Hill, Fast Forward Therapies, Help with relationship problems, providing relationship advice and tips, and counseling and therapy for couples

How does attraction happen

Most people believe that we choose the person we want to spend the rest of our lives with, and it may be true that you have a mental list (or even a written one) of the qualities you are looking for in finding your perfect partner. This list may include specific behaviours, or it may be about their appearance, or even a combination of both. Most of us do this to some extent. Well, I’m about to tip this notion of having a choice on the head… Attraction to another person has very little to do with conscious choice, and has everything to do with complex subconscious needs that you and I have to resolve in order for us to complete our personal growth and attain wholeness. There is some very good research around to suggest that we are unconsciously attracted to another person, and he or she to us, and that conscious choice has little to do with this. We can find clues to support this view in our everyday language about love. The common description of ‘falling in love’ and ‘falling head over heels’ are terms that imply that we have little or no control when it comes to matters of the heart and sometimes even enter a relationship against our better judgment. Some people experience ‘love at first sight’ and even for couples who have known each other a while, there is a moment of sudden relisation that ‘they have fallen in love’. Love therefore is described as something that happens to us, a deeply complex subconscious event…beyond our control.

So why does love happen?

Our subconscious mind is compelled to find a person whose qualities match those of our early caregivers or parents. These qualities are usually a mixture of both positive and negative traits or characteristics that are found in both caregivers. This is because your subconscious wants to resolve unmet needs and heal wounds from your childhood, and believes the only people that can do this are ones that hold similar traits to your early caregivers. Your subsconscious does not operate in linear time, so when you meet someone who has these qualities, your mind immediately relates to them and connects them bringing your past into your present. This explains why you and I experience feelings of familiarity when we meet the person who feels right for us. Some people describe this familiarity, by expressing they have “known” their partner all their life even though they have just met. Other’s have a feeling of being ‘complete’ feeling whole when they are with this person. This is because your subconscious recognizes traits from your early caregivers within your partner – hence the feeling of deep intimacy and completeness.

At this point you enter the first stage known as Romantic Love.
When you experience romantic love, you believe you’ve met the person you’ve been waiting for all your life. You have met the man or woman of your dreams, life is wonderful, you feel alive and full of energy. Life is exciting and full of anticipation about the future, you feel great, and generally create happiness wherever you go. You do all you can to please your partner, going the extra mile and taking greater effort with your appearance to make sure everything is just right. He or she is constantly in your thoughts, and when you’re apart you’re texting, phoning, just to have that contact. You’ve finally found “The One” and you believe and want these feelings to last forever.

You are ecstatic because your subconscious has found the perfect match for you and your healing and growth into wholeness can commence. Your brain releases chemicals which belong to the amphetamine drug group and consequently you may experience loss of appetite, sleep disturbance, inability to concentrate, as well as an increase in energy, sexual desire and general feelings of well-being.
Things go along nicely for a while, then gradually start to simmer down. You begin to enter the second stage of a relationship whereby you start to experience disappointment and concern. You start to notice the flaws in the other person that you had previously overlooked, and now begin to irritate you. You may start to feel frustrated and disappointed with his or her behaviour. A common frustration may be that you just can’t understand why he/she does not intuitively know what you need, want or how you feel. You sense your partner is behaving and feeling differently towards you, and you may even fear they are losing interest in you and even ‘falling out of love’ with you. Passion and sexual desire may lessen, and you may feel your love for your partner is dying. You may even think that you chose the ‘wrong’ partner and made a mistake.
The reality is that you are subconsciously realizing that your partner cannot meet your unresolved needs from childhood, and it is this disappointment that causes inner distress and insecurity, and you start to protect yourself. This stage is often called ‘the power struggle’ where winning an argument, or being right becomes more important than listening to each other, and working towards the loving relationship you both want. Your brain no longer releases those ‘feel good’ chemicals, and your relationship is a hotbed of criticism, sarcasm, blame, anger and resentment. Demonstrations of love and affection become less frequent; and respect and appreciation for each other disappears – all deepening the affect of rejection and unhappiness. At this point, many people prefer to avoid their partner’s company as often as they can by immersing themselves in work, sport, recreation interests, or even TV and the internet. This is the stage when some people may have an affair in an attempt to meet their needs and avoid the distress that’s in their relationship.

If this resonates with you, don’t lose hope. Too many couples feel the only answer is to end the relationship or separate for a while, or may even resign themselves to a workable arrangement, maybe staying together just for the sake of the children, or for financial reasons.

Conflict is enevitable in any relationship and varies in degree. If you are prepared to work through this conflict, you will find you will be able to start the process of personal growth and healing. Finding someone else does not solve the problem, because the root of the problem lies within yourself and you’ll only be taking the same or similar problems and behaviours into the new relationship. It is inevitable because your emotional development needs to happen and your subconscious mind is compelled to bring you to similar situations so that you can resolve these issues and move on to grow into the person you are meant to be.

The conscious relationship…
Your relationship can improve and YOU have the power to make it happen. Through working on yourself and your own behaviour and responses you bring about change within the relationship. Carry on as you are will only just make things worse. By making a commitment to focus on yourself and taking responsibility for change you can learn to become the right partner. Communicating effectively is key to any relationship and by learning new skills in how to listen to your partner and empathise with their feelings, are crucial. In the same way, learning how to request appropriately and sharing your feelings with your partner are also important. In learning new skills and exploring past issues you will gain new insight and knowledge about yourself and your partner. You will be able to deal with those unmet needs, self-limiting beliefs that are at the root of your conflict with your partner.

The goal is to create a fully satisfying, healthy supportive and loving relationship. This is a relationship where you and your partner experience a deep respect for each other and cherish one another as separate and unique individuals without losing the sense of closeness and connection. It is a stage of great joy, with passion, intimacy, and happiness, where you have fun together, and share true partnership, and unconditional love. You both experience safety and security, and see your partner as your best friend or soul mate. It is the stage of moving toward the spiritual potential of a committed relationship and the journey toward wholeness, and experiencing the love which you were created for.

The Good News is that this Real Love is possible for you if you are both willing to do the work it requires.

Real and lasting love will never ‘just happen by itself.’ It takes time to build a history together of love and to learn how to meet challenges together united in vision for the future. However, you can embark on that journey NOW, TODAY and start towards building the relationship or marriage of your dreams. Yes, it will take effort to create a real partnership, and you will both need to make a commitment to believe you will come through whatever life throws at you, together

First of all, let me dispel the illusion and myth our society and culture have created about LOVE that is a major cause of divorce and separation.

The illusion that romantic love lasts forever with the right person

And

That this love should continue naturally and if you have to work at it then you are with the wrong person

How does attraction happen

Conflict in a relationship is growth trying to take place…

Contact me today, and ask about our “relationship weekends” at La Platriere in France and “couples counseling